"I like how McDonalds mixes the napkins in the to-go bag with the greasy food, so that even when I’m wiping my mouth I can get fatter."
"Today my son pooped in his shirt. He…shirted."
"I can be a little bit of a downer. My favorite part of Clue is notifying the family."
— Sean Clancy Standup on uPick (via collegehumor)
(Source: College Humor, via collegehumor)
- Wife: Can you imagine what it's like having a baby kicking inside your stomach?
- Me: Like eating Taco Bell?
