by Nate Smith
In 1975 Paul Simon gave us 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover. Here are 24 more ways to add to that list.
1. Wear clothes that blend in with the wallpaper. Stand very still.
2. Become an astronaut. Go to the Moon. Do not return.
3. Cover your lover in leaves. (This is a pun)
4. Tell her you had a previous engagement that you totally forgot about. (Make sure to add a back-dated calendar event to your phone)
5. Leave him…in your mind.
7. Convince him to fake his own death.
8. Start talking non-stop about how your new idols are OJ Simpson and Chris Brown.
9. Tell him you have to go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom on the other side of the planet…forever.
10. Explain that your term limit is over. Hold public elections for your replacement.
11. Invent time travel. Go back in time and prevent your relationship. Don’t forget to kill Hitler along the way.
12. Grow a beard. Keep growing it until it completely covers your body. Don’t move. Wait for her to mistake you for a big ball of hair and throw you out with the trash.
13. Burst into a billion kazillion molecules and simply float away.
14. Wait for the Zombie apocalypse. Let nature take its course.
15. Shoot yourself out of a cannon.
16. Go to a sporting event and use the Jumbotron to ask her to “not marry” you. When the camera turns to you, be gone already.
17. Build a fully stocked Doomsday Bunker with an automatic locking door that can’t be opened from either side for 50 years. “Accidentally” lock yourself in.
18. Jump off the Titanic as it is sinking. Tell your lover to never let go. Become an ice cube.
19. Tell him you have a phone call and you need to take it in the other room, and by other room you mean a room in a new city with a new family.
20. Puke on everything they love. Repeat as necessary.
21. Volunteer as tribute.
22. Select your relationship. Press Ctrl+Alt+Delete.
23. Tell her you are really into Improv now and your friends told you to break up with her and you have to Yes And it.
24. Say, “I am a camel now,” spit on his shirt and walk out the door on all fours.
Anonymous said: What is the best way to handle internet trolls? I know I shouldn't let them get to me, but honestly: they do.
Good question. I often like to think about the actual person behind the anonymous icon. I picture them sitting at their computer, typing out this horrible message they just sent me, and I imagine what their life must be like. What drives a person to send hatred to someone else like that? What is going on in their life? How horrible is their situation that they have to reach out and try to ruin someone else’s situation?
By that point, I almost feel sorry for this person. It’s as if an ant just started cussing at me. I could squash you, but you’re just a little ant. So I’m going to let you go.
What other people think and say about you has absolutely no bearing on your reality. If someone says you’re ugly, that doesn’t make it true. When someone says something hateful to you, they haven’t actually told you anything about who you are, but they have told you something about who they are. And now that you know that about them, you can react accordingly. But your reaction doesn’t have to be anger. Anger isn’t something we want to feel. So choose not to. Instead, react with dismissal. Realize that this is a person you don’t need to be concerned with, because really…they don’t matter.
There are of course tools for removing these trolls from your life. Turning off anon messages, blocking certain users, etc. But even if the messages kept coming in, think about them the same way you think about ridiculous tabloid headlines you see at the supermarket. “Bat Boy Pregnant with Dolly Pardon’s Child.” A headline like that has about as much weight as any hateful message someone sends your way.
I hope this helps.
When someone says something hateful to you, they haven’t actually told you anything about who you are, but they have told you something about who they are.
pikachubottom said: i just realized something. ive been following you for like a year now i think maybe? i dont know its been a long time! but i dont even know who you are. never heard u make a joke. etc. like who are you? but somehow i like you because i saw your pics every now and then?? its so weirdddd ughhh im having hard time ur kids are cute
That’s a pretty good question. Who the heck am I?
I think a lot of my followers followed me automatically when they joined Tumblr. This is because I am listed on Tumblr’s Spotlight page for Funny blogs. So when you create a new Tumblr account, I am on a list of suggested blogs to follow. So that’s probably why you are following me.
But WHO is the Best Nate Smith Ever!? Here’s my official bio
Since 1999 I have been performing improv, stand-up, and sketch comedy. In 2008 I helped open the Curious Comedy Theater, a non-profit comedy theater in Portland, OR.
In 2009 my first son was born and in my hiatus from live comedy I turned to the Internet, specifically Tumblr, to find an audience. Now in 2014 my personal Tumblr, Best Nate Smith Ever, has over 280,000 followers and is featured on Tumblr’s Spotlight for Funny blogs. I also write Improvising Fatherhood, a parenting blog which is featured on Tumblr’s Spotlight for Parenting blogs.
In 2012 I started Awkward Elevator with my writing partner Sam Holmquist. Together we create new humor posts which have been featured on Tumblr’s LOL Tag page, College Humor, Laughing Squid, Gizmodo, and the front page of Reddit.
I hope that helps give you guys a clearer idea of who I am. I also have a new YouTube channel, so if you want to see/hear me making jokes, please check it out!
A TV show where the main character, played by Sean Bean, dies every episode. The show is titled, “One Does Not Simply Live.”