nedthemajestic asked: You have no idea how happy it makes me that you know the movie The Jerk. Hardly anyone does. What is your favorite quote from it?
The Jerk is one of the best. I tend to quote “This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I’m in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.”
But my favorite line, which I wish I was good enough to quote, is his explanation of how long it felt he had been with his girlfriend.
I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.
Genius.
jawsh-oo-uh asked: If you write an autobiography, you should title it "My Life As a Black Man." Make sure you have your picture on the front of the book, too. Top seller in no time.
I think a certain someone would take issue with that.
Anonymous asked: These cans are defective
SOMEBODY HATES THESE CANS!!!
Anonymous asked: What is your life story?
I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin’ on the porch with my family, singin’ and dancin’ down in Mississippi…
clpklk asked: I think your posts are hilarious and I love how people get so defensive towards your replies back to their comments, how do you feel about people who are negative even about things as simple as a joke?
Thanks!
As far as people getting offended, I really can’t let it bother me. I never try to offend or hurt people with my comedy. But you can’t please everyone all the time. There’s a lot of truth in comedy so often when someone is offended by a joke it’s often because it touched on something they are insecure about.
Haters gonna hate. Hecklers gonna heckle. I can’t waste my time worrying about that.
colleen-cat asked: What's the worst, most bad-grammar-ridden, completely illogical question you've gotten? And don't say this one.
This one.
lettheworldharmonize asked: Any thoughts on the four new test flavors of Mountain Dew?
None whatsoever. I don’t think I have ever tried any of the different versions of Mt Dew except for one time when I accidentally bought and drank a sip of a Diet Caffeine Free Mt Dew. I spat that shit out immediately.
I just don’t have any need to try the other flavors. If someone handed me a free bottle of one I’d try it, but I’m not going to spend any money on something that I know doesn’t taste like regular, beautiful, delicious, glorious, original Mt Dew.
amnotyourgovernor asked: What's your favorite TV show?
It’s hard to pin down just one. 24 is probably my favorite action show of all time. I love Jack Bauer.
Arrested Development might be my favorite comedy show.
Nothing else is coming to mind at the moment.
goatcheasey asked: Here's a question: Why don't you have any questions?
Well…now I actually do. But typically I don’t beg people to ask me questions all the time. And other than that, I guess people just don’t give a shit about me.
But you are all free to send me questions anytime you want. Silly questions, serious questions, advice questions. I’ll do my best to answer them appropriately.
ectog6 asked: If Slimer Was Gelatinous Mountain Dew, Would You A] Bust him, B] Drink Him or C]Befriend Him?
Let’s assume he was edible and just as delicious as regular Mt Dew. My answer is C. That’s the longterm solution. Busting him would get me no Mt Dew. Drinking him would get me only one Slimer’s worth of Mt Dew. But befriending me would allow me to scoop up his trails of Mt Dew slime to drink as much as I want.
Anonymous asked: Gold jerry, gold!
They should call it Roundtine
wolfpack-zach asked: Check out my most recent post, It's comedy gold.
Sorry to tell you that’s just comedy iron pyrite.
