"Watching a Roast on the Food Network is a lot less funny than watching one on Comedy Central."
— Jokes: Roasts (via collegehumor)
"I like how McDonalds mixes the napkins in the to-go bag with the greasy food, so that even when I’m wiping my mouth I can get fatter."
"Today my son pooped in his shirt. He…shirted."
"I can be a little bit of a downer. My favorite part of Clue is notifying the family."
— Sean Clancy Standup on uPick (via collegehumor)
(Source: College Humor, via collegehumor)